Monday, 23 April 2012

Being Dexter Morgan

I feel like Dexter Morgan.

Are you familiar with "Dexter Morgan"? He's the main character in Jeff Lindsay's series of novels, and most notably now the famous main character in the Showtime runaway hit, Dexter

For the uninitiated, Dexter was scarred so deeply by the childhood event of witnessing his own mother's gruesome murder that is caused him to forever have this insatiable blood lust; He must strategically murder people (whom he deems to deserve it) at frequent intervals to stave off the increasing risk that he'll lose his sanity and go on a killing rampage.

Let me just step back and clarify my first statement. I want to point out that it's not his deadly nocturnal expeditions that I relate to in any way shape or form. Although, if I was ever close it'd be when dealing with Customer Service

Again, let me reiterate; I do not have homicidal tenancies.


I'm referring to a different aspect of Dexter Morgan; his disconnect from human emotion. Now, don't get me wrong; I have emotions; strong ones. All people do in one way or another. In the book series, Dexter often questioned whether or not he did, in fact, have emotions. He has the realisation that yes, he has emotions... but often misplaced.

The similarities that I share with Dexter are in this; Misplaced emotions, and feeling completely out of place. Allow me to explain. 

In every day life, most people are forced to interact with other people. Be it at school, work, or a social event, the convention is that you converse with others. I don't have a fundamental problem with this; I can interact with people quite amicably in fact. 

The truth is though, I feel like I'm pretending to be human. I question myself constantly, "Am I like them? Are we the same?", and the answer (in my own head) seems to be: No. 

I go to work and talk with people, but it doesn't feel quite right. It feels like I'm putting on a façade; That nobody has ever met the real Cloaker Josh aside from me. I never quite know how to act. 

A colleague will bring in their infant son into work, and I know I'm supposed to act a certain way on these occasions. But... what is the expected way?! I rack my brain, trying to tie the experience back to a reference point of some kind; A possible past event that transpired in approximately the right way. As usual, I'm unable to source any sort of guidelines to follow and try winging it.

"Oh, how cute! How old is he?" Okay, so far, so good.
"Aww thanks! He'll be 13 months next week." Wow, she's totally buying it! First gauntlet passed. Okay, quick math: What's 13 months in years? Almost 1 probably. Oh, crap! What are they supposed to be doing at that age?!
"Oh wow... can he, uh... talk yet?" A slight look of confusion crosses her brow. She responds.
"Ah... no. Not yet, plenty of time for that." Oh crap, I undershot the mark. She's starting to see through my camouflage.
"He's... uh... a big boy!" I silently pray that the statement is approximately accurate.
"He weighed 9 pounds, 3 ounces when he was born!" Damn, my nemesis rears it's ugly head. The Imperial System. Haven't they converted baby meat to Metric yet?! I literally have no idea what this number means. As her inflection had an air of pride to it, I'm inclined to believe that it's a big number, but I'm no positive so I continue tentatively.
"Wow, that's impressive. Such a cute little guy!" I manage to splutter out a non-committal response. I ruffle his hair, and turn to walk away. Oh Godzilla! You're not supposed to touch babies heads, are you? Haven't they got some sort of self-destruct button there somewhere?! I slowly walk away, and listen out for anomalies; Some sort of clue that I messed up. She returns to conversation with another colleague, and the baby makes a gargling noise. She doesn't react; It must be a normal. I exhale a deep sigh of relief... That was too close.

Another time I feel completely out of place is at a family barbeque. Every where I turn, there are a whole bunch of relatives; I somehow don't know half their names.

"How's life treatin' ya, Josh?" A vaguely familiar older gentleman strolls over and places his massive hand on my shoulder. Is that a normal greeting between relatives? Do I reciprocate? I decide not to, and shoot out an auto-reply.
"How am I treating life, you mean mate?" Mate is my default moniker for people whom I do not immediately recall the name of. 
"That's it, ha ha!" He laughs, and takes his hand off my shoulder. He takes a sip of his beer. Damn, he's still standing there! You're not giving me anything to work with here, buddy! I have a long sip of beer while I struggle to conjure an appropriate question to ask. Ah, here we go!
"How's the family?" I swear I detect a micro-expression of a furrowed brow. How can that be the wrong question? He enlightens me.
"Ah... well. It's different now that Marcy's not around... Paul visits from time to time. He's doing well, you know. He's just had another child, a daughter this time."
Damn, I've asked about his deceased partner, question failure. Paul must be his son. He's probably my second-... something.
"Oh mate, you'll have to pass on my congratulations!" I take another swig of beer, and try to come up with a getaway plan. Ah, the toilet! He doesn't know I only just returned from there, I could've been anywhere. "Excuse me mate, I just gotta go hit the head." With any luck, when I return he'll be deep in conversation with somebody else and I can latch on to one of the familiar cousins.

Situations like these are the ones that make me feel like Dexter. It feels like humans were born with the ability to handle these in an automatic manner, whereas I'm running custom firmware.

Now, I'm going to take a stab (pun intended) in the dark and call out the rest of you. There's no way that I am so unique that nobody feels the same way; in fact, I would go so far as to say there are possible thousands, many even hundreds of thousands that feel the same way. Millions? Maybe.

So, logic dictates that I'm not alone; I know there's more of you out there. Question is, have you got the guts to admit it?

I can see my name up there; Where's yours?

19 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I am Quarshie Roberta from united kingdom, my heart is filled with so much joy today because of what DR OKAYA has done in my life. I got married to my loving husband 4 years ago and we were living a happy life together as young couples and everything was moving on smoothly without know disturbance, two months later I went to check up in the clinic and the doctor confirmed that I am three weeks pregnant with my heart filled with joy and my face full of smile and laughter I run down home to brake the good news to my dearly husband and he was very happy about the news and that night is a night I will always live to remember, to cut the story short after I have put to birth he was very happy you to see our bouncing baby boy, but along the line and all of a sudden he started keeping late night and going to club and doing the things he don't use to do before, and one mourning I confronted him about his new attitude but he ignore my advice, but to my greatest surprise I discover my husband have a mistress in his working place and they were seeing each other after work hour. on one faithful night my husband came back home and started packing all his belongings and told me that he is tired of me that he is filing for a annulment not knowing that his mistress has cast love spell on him that was why he was acting strange so I told my friend Grace in my working place so she gave me this contact OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM and ask me to contact him that he will help me to bring back my husband in noon less than two days so when I got home I contact him and he told me that my husband is under a great love spell but he promise to help bring back my husband which he actually did within the period of two days. I was surprise to see my husband on one blessed mourning kneeling at my doorstep asking for my forgiveness saying it is the work of the devil that he did not know when he did what he has done and I forgave him and today we are living happily together. all thanks to great Dr. OKAYA for his great help in my family for helping me to restore my lost joy to my family, in-case you have similar case or even worst than my own your can contact him with his EMAIL ADDRESS: OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM or through his phone number: +2348078291904

      Delete
  2. I see my name up there too. it's right next to yours

    ReplyDelete

  3. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Jackson, I needed help and somewhere to turn

    badly. Visit: voodospell@yahoo.com and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. 2 days later, my phone rang. Jackson was his

    old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I

    loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share

    together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as

    your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be." you can contact the spell caster on--

    voodospell@yahoo.com he's very nice and great. or you can visit him to on his web site: voodospell.webs.com

    ReplyDelete

  4. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Jackson, I needed help and somewhere to turn

    badly. Visit: voodospell@yahoo.com and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. 2 days later, my phone rang. Jackson was his

    old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I

    loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share

    together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as

    your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be." you can contact the spell caster on--

    voodospell@yahoo.com he's very nice and great. or you can visit him to on his web site: voodospell.webs.com

    ReplyDelete

  5. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Jackson, I needed help and somewhere to turn

    badly. Visit: voodospell@yahoo.com and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. 2 days later, my phone rang. Jackson was his

    old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I

    loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn't brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share

    together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as

    your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be." you can contact the spell caster on--

    voodospell@yahoo.com he's very nice and great. or you can visit him to on his web site: voodospell.webs.com

    ReplyDelete

  6. "My Wife & I Separated In December 2011 There were Nothing Me Or Anyone Can Do About It I Felt Depressed

    Confused Sad And didn’t Know What To Do. Until I contacted priest Oduma in January 2012 Before i knew it My Life

    Felt Whole Again.My Wife contacted Me in February 2012 And priest Oduma Helped The Both Of Us Now We Are

    Stronger Then Before......"
    "I look forward to contacting you for more predictions You can contact him on his email: voodospell@yahoo.com or

    you can visit him to on his web site: voodospell.webs.com

    ReplyDelete

  7. "My Wife & I Separated In December 2011 There were Nothing Me Or Anyone Can Do About It I Felt Depressed

    Confused Sad And didn’t Know What To Do. Until I contacted priest Oduma in January 2012 Before i knew it My Life

    Felt Whole Again.My Wife contacted Me in February 2012 And priest Oduma Helped The Both Of Us Now We Are

    Stronger Then Before......"
    "I look forward to contacting you for more predictions You can contact him on his email: voodospell@yahoo.com or

    you can visit him to on his web site: voodospell.webs.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello my friends out there i have a story to tell you about my life and how a man name ogogodu helped me,i was living with my husband to be we were living happly in 2010, he now say we should live LONDON to USA then i agreed we now told our perent that we live LONDON to USA they give there blessing,when we now got to USA we now rent so i was looking for job to do so i now got a job and he all so have is job so we were happy he now proposs to me that he want to marry me, i was happy on that night he now sleep with me and he disvirgin me i did not worry because he said that he is going to marry me the next day he told me that he is going to work from that day i did not see him after year one day i was going to work i saw him with another girl at first i did not belive my eyes i now went and go and see him he say what is happen i said are not my future husband he now said who are you talking about i was shock he now told me that he does not love me seen he the day he sight is on this girl that they are going to marry, so oneday i was reading the newspeper when i was read i saw a woman in the newspeper thanking the great man for what he did for her the next two day another person was also thanking the great man on the television that was on 29 of march 2012 so i now contected him i now told him every thing he now said that i should not worry that every thing is going to be alright so the next day i was out side my compound when i saw him coming to my house he said it was not is clean eyes that he said does thing he was asking for forgiveness i now forgive him now we are now happy he now love so much we are now planning for our wedded i am a happy girl now thanks the great ogogodu if you need is help contect him on this email ogogodutempleofsolution@gmail.com or call on this number +2348078999655 in case you want to contect me for more information this is my email homeggg39gmail.com thank you for read my story of my life

    FROM USA
    NAME MARY

    ReplyDelete
  9. ogbefispell@gmail.comlove spell has huge powers! I cant believe what's happening to me! It's been only 3 weeks since you did that spell and Victor is already after me. Since the last week-end he phoned at least 5 times. I believe he seems to realize his mistakes. It's absolutely happening as you said!! Thank you! Your work is helping me so much… Without you I would feel so lonely and miserable... Thank you ogbefispell@gmail.com!

    Juanita B - Barcelona, Spain.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Exactly.. I can tell this might have taken some time to write but well worth it BC even if dexter is no longer.. we are.
    Everything makes perfect sense I feel that way and I'm working at mcdonalds ..lol yea I completely zone out as if I'm never lonely or needing to talk. Its a struggle to keep sane but somehow not as much as the other ppl around me. Thanks for keeping me grounded knowing there are probably millions just like us.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ogbefispell@gmail.com have changed my life so much and I'm so grateful for everything you have done.I feel like we are old friends and that you will be there whenever I need you.I'm so in love with my boyfriend and he gives all the love in the world back to me.I know he is my soul mate.Your love spells are so very strong and real,I know for I have proof.Thank-you dear friend and keep making peoples dreams come true.God Bless you

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am Quarshie Roberta from united kingdom, my heart is filled with so much joy today because of what DR OKAYA has done in my life. I got married to my loving husband 4 years ago and we were living a happy life together as young couples and everything was moving on smoothly without know disturbance, two months later I went to check up in the clinic and the doctor confirmed that I am three weeks pregnant with my heart filled with joy and my face full of smile and laughter I run down home to brake the good news to my dearly husband and he was very happy about the news and that night is a night I will always live to remember, to cut the story short after I have put to birth he was very happy you to see our bouncing baby boy, but along the line and all of a sudden he started keeping late night and going to club and doing the things he don't use to do before, and one mourning I confronted him about his new attitude but he ignore my advice, but to my greatest surprise I discover my husband have a mistress in his working place and they were seeing each other after work hour. on one faithful night my husband came back home and started packing all his belongings and told me that he is tired of me that he is filing for a annulment not knowing that his mistress has cast love spell on him that was why he was acting strange so I told my friend Grace in my working place so she gave me this contact OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM and ask me to contact him that he will help me to bring back my husband in noon less than two days so when I got home I contact him and he told me that my husband is under a great love spell but he promise to help bring back my husband which he actually did within the period of two days. I was surprise to see my husband on one blessed mourning kneeling at my doorstep asking for my forgiveness saying it is the work of the devil that he did not know when he did what he has done and I forgave him and today we are living happily together. all thanks to great Dr. OKAYA for his great help in my family for helping me to restore my lost joy to my family, in-case you have similar case or even worst than my own your can contact him with his EMAIL ADDRESS: OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM or through his phone number: +2348078291904

    ReplyDelete
  13. I want to use this medium to tell the world about Doctor OKAYA who helped me in getting my lover back with his powerful spell, my ex and i where having misunderstanding which led to our breakup though i went to beg her several times to please forgive and accept me back because i know i offended her but each time i went i always feel more deeply in pain and agony because she always walk out on me and would not want to listen to what i have to tell but on i faithful day as i was browsing i came arose a testimony of a woman whose problem was more than mine and yet Doctor OKAYA helped her with his spell so i was happy and also contacted Doctor OKAYA for help via email and then told him my story but the only thing he said was that i will wipe you tear with my spell so lucky for me everything want well just as he promised and right now i have got my fiance back and we are both living happily. there is nothing Doctor OKAYA can not do with is spell and just as promise my self i will keep testifying on the internet of how Doctor OKAYA helped me.Are your problem greater that mine or less i give you 100% guarantee that Doctor OKAYA will put an end to it with his powerful spell, contact Doctor OKAYA for help Via email OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM his websit http://okayaspellhelp.webs.com

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    10. BEAUTY SPELL.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you getyourexbacksolutionspell@gmail.com ! The love spell worked and he returned to me. You are a marvellous, wonderful, stupendous, shocking and extraordinary person with so much talent. You have a gift like no other I have seen. You are an amazing person with a beautiful soul and inner balance that shines on all you meet. You surpass any and all other gifted individuals I have ever met. Your information is so accurate it is incredibly unbelievable. Your wonder-working magical know how of the universe and its laws are magnified within a structure so unique it’s impossible to find anywhere. Again, thank you for everything! visit her website today on http://weeblyalishaluraspell.weebly.com/available-spells.html

    ReplyDelete

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    ReplyDelete
  17. Hello every one i am very happy today to share this great testimony with you, I contacted Dr Ogudugu in regards of my lover. He no longer wanted to associate with me anymore. He was interested in working out from the marriage, after begging and pleading with him I realized it was out of my hands, he really was leaving me. My co-worker went through a similar situation and told me that Dr Ogudugu had helped her. I can't say how much I'm grateful she introduced me to Him. After discussing the resolution with Dr Ogudugu, get your lover back spell has done more than what I expected. My lover not only came back to me, but has left his wife and now we are engaged, we are getting married next year, I don't know what I would have done without you. I believe you are my guardian angel you can contact him Via Email GREATOGUDUGU@GMAIL.COM

    ReplyDelete