Monday 16 April 2012

Remakes of movies that shouldn't be remade

Okay, so I get put on to this page via a friend on Facebook today; Upcoming Movie Remakes.

You've gotta check out this list, it's extraordinary. It's okay, I'll wait. You've looked at it? Good.

Does Hollywood really have to go and molest my childhood! You'd think they'd learned their lesson with the Indiana Jones IV abortion, but apparently not.

The Crow

One of my favourite movies growing up was The Crow. I was so obsessed with it that it affected my wardrobe throughout my entire teen years. I'm going to take my fanboy goggles for a moment and point out the obvious. It wasn't really a ground-breaking movie. It was a cool concept, and was executed quite well, but that's all.

Having said this, Bruce Lee's son Brandon died on the set of this film due to an accident using gun replicas and blanks. As this happened essentially at the end of filming, they finished the film and released the movie.

Surely they're going to leave this movie alone? Leave it to Brandon Lee's legacy? Wrong.

Everyone's favourite The Hangover funny guy, Bradley Cooper.

Okay, so technically Bradley Cooper is no longer attached to the project... there's something. They'll probably choose someone equally as ill-fitting, however. So help me, if it's Robert Pattinson I'm gonna get VIOLENT.

Jesus dude, settle down I was joking. Harden the frak up, already.


Oh why? For the love of God why?

Scarface is one of those iconic films that never fades. Why would you want to sully the memory of what was probably Al Pacino's most memorable performance? Again, I thought they'd learned their lesson when they tried making the game, Scarface: The World Is Yours

"What was the premise of this game, Cloaker Josh?" I hear you ask. Well, it's essentially the same story of the movie Scarface, except it begins at the ending of the film.
"But, that's confusing... doesn't Scarface die at the end?" Good pickup, movie nerd. He does... in the movie. But the game, you see, the game pretends he didn't die! What does it do with the ground-breaking plot twist? Well, it tells the story of Scarface rebuilding his empire.
"But, the movie was about building an empire... why didn't they just retell the movie if they were going to tell essentially the same story?" Why didn't they just.

In any case Hollywood again sees fit to exhume another classic, however no actors are yet attached to the project. If their casting director is the same genius as the one responsible for the shenanigans above, we're probably going to get this:

"Say hello to my effeminate friend!"

The Warriors

The Warriors is one of my favourite movies of all time; It's based on the same roots as Frank Miller's 300, and essentially tells the story of a couple of kids in a gang who get framed for the murder of the most influential gang leader in the city. Desperate to get back home to Coney Island, these kids battle against the cities' most dangerous gangs all through the night. 

What really makes this movie a stand out is the setting; All of the gangs have their own turf and uniforms, like real gangs but taken to the extreme. The format of the movie would've made a brilliant video game. This time around, however, the director wants the movie set in modern times with the likes of the Bloods and the Crips in Los Angelas.

Well, slap me in the face with barbed wire, squirt me with lemon juice and play me some Skrillex, that sounds fraking swell.

Please Hollywood, stop fondling my memories.

Oh, and I was joking about the barbed wire and Skrillex. I could probably deal with the barbed wire and lemon juice, but that Skrillex crap sounds like a bloody dentist's drill in my brain. I think Kramer is the only one who's figured out how to dance to it.

Despite the fame and hipster glasses, we can tell Skrillex is a pasty white nerd.


  1. omg bieber as montana? cmon nobody is that stupid.

  2. No!! Leave The Warriors alone. Sure I haven't seen it in 2 decades (possibly closer to 3), and I may not enjoy it so much now, but it has it's place in my memory bank.