Thursday 10 May 2012

Cloaker Josh's Glossary of Terms

Internet, I have some great news for you. You know how recently, you were lying awake in your bed, staring at the ceiling and praying that I, Cloaker Josh, would bestow upon you the secret to my awesome?

Well, your prayers have been answered little one, as today I will share with you a couple of words and phrases that I use on a regular basis to keep my levels of awesome topped up and in check.

Try not to think too hard about the shadowy figure outside of your bedroom window watching you that night, it's probably just a coincidence.

You're welcome, is what you are.
Here are a couple of phrases that I will allow you to employ, on my behalf, as they act similarly to a pyramid scheme; As you use them and gain more levels of awesome, I too will reap a little bit more of awesome.

Okay, so I'm really not being serious, but I hope you find these phrases interesting in some way.

cloak·er [kloh-ker]

  1. a person, animal or thing that "cloaks" or kills silently. 
  2. an alternate term for an assassin, or ninja
  3. a stealthy individual or animal that is adept at attacking swiftly without telegraphing any intent to do so

Etymology: The term cloaker was originally derived from the term "cloak", as in the usage to "mask the origin of a URL". It came to be a few years back when kungfucolin and myself had bought domain names for our respective websites. We'd set up a "Cloak and Redirect" with the URLs, meaning that when somebody went to, the pages they were viewing were hosted on an alternate web server. It worked by "cloaking" the URL of the alternate host, and redirecting the content back the the purchased vanity URL.

One Friday afternoon, kungfucolin asked if I wanted to head down to his place for the weekend to play some King of Fighters '97 on the NeoGeo cabinet he just bought. "Hell yeah!" I responded, before realising that my mate Dan was actually coming over to mine for the weekend to play some Tekken 3. Now, I'm not sure exactly how the events unfolded next, but I believe kungfucolin suggested we "cloak and redirect" him down to his house. This soon devolved to this imagery of Dan stepping into the front door, only to have somebody "cloak" him from his flank with a pillow case and the other crash tackle him into the ground, before scooping him up and dumping him in the boot of a car before driving down to Kingston.

Pretty soon, the term cloak became all encompassing.
"Hey, did you cloak my lighter?" I'd say to my brother, which would be effectively asking him if he stole it.
"Cloaked!" We'd both cry out as we witness somebody being stealthily dispatched in a film or on TV.
"I was cloaking around the corner..." meant that I was sneaking around the corner.
"Ah! The Cloaker cloaked me!" Kungfucolin would say as my cat Beebo would swiftly claw him from some ingenious camoflaged position. And it stuck. To this day, it remains one of my favourite sayings.

Knowledge is power, kids.

tom·my-re-search [tom-ee ree-surch]
  1. diligent and systematic inquiry or investigation into a subject in order to discover or revise facts, theories, applications, etc. to the same degree as Tom would have
verb. (used with object)
  1. to make an extensive investigation into: to research a matter as thoroughly as Tom.
Etymology: A highly intelligent friend of mine, Tom, is a very discerning consumer, and an astute researcher. When he decides to either embark in a career path, buy a new camera or get fit, he has the fortitude and resolve to read thousands of lines of text and watch hundreds of hours of videos in order to make an informed decision about how to proceed. Furthermore, if it requires steady effort on his part to achieve a certain goal, he has the internal drive of an Olympic athlete.

You know how they say, "You can be anything you want"? Sadly, this isn't true for the majority of people. Sorry to burst your bubble, 99%, but you aren't actually capable of greatness no matter how many inspirational quotes you put into your Facebook feed. Tom, on the other hand, has the mental ability to actually realise any goal he wants through perseverance. This guy can see the freaking Matrix. I really admire him for that. One thing that can frustrate him though, is that many of his friends and probably all of his co-workers do not have as many topics of interest as him, making it difficult for him to have a decent conversation with someone.

A reasonable enough question for people who work in a bank, apparently.

Getting back on topic, to "Tommy-research" something is to view it from as many different angles as possible. I'll relate it to something as simple as buying a toaster. Tom will scour the internet for reviews, visit the manufacturers website to learn about the features, compare the different prices via a few different services such as shopbot and eBay, read forum posts about certain known issues and common faults, and a whole bunch of things that normal people wouldn't even think to do in order to make as informed a decision as possible. In my circle, to "tommy-research" something is to know everything that can be known about an item using the internet to research it for a minimum of one week of intensive study.

cham·mer [chammer]
noun. Chiefly used as slang. Vulgar
  1. A contemptible person
  2. A wretched or despised woman
Etymology: Chammer is a derivative of a combination of two words: A deplorable swear word starting with 'C', and the word "Hammer". The origin of this phrase can be read about at The Oatmeal, who first coined the term (NSFW). This word was actually formed by way of a spelling mistake in a text message. Somebody texted to me that somebody they knew was "c hammer", however they accidentally left out the space between the 'c' and the 'hammer'. Chammer has a nice ring to it.

Who said algebra wasn't going to be useful after leaving school?

So, internet: Tell me your made-up words and phrases... I'm interested to see what you've come up with.


  1. Immediate thought would be "torsal". A much loved friend who often misheard what he later repeated, was relating a tragic tale of bodily damage to an unfortunate person who fell into an industrial machine. My friend had the enthusiasm of Steve Irwin and he finished the tale with, " ...and when I looked down at him....all that was left was his torsal."
    He meant of course his torso, the imagery was like a sharks fin on a body trunk, making circles in a barrel of water. Ever after when a torso should be in a sentence all I can say is "torsal".

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  2. I wonder if that chammer is going to get cloaked soon??

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