Tuesday 15 May 2012

Guest Post: The Ballad of Steven Seagal

Foreword: I'm experimenting with a format change. I've decided that a benefit to both you, internet, myself,  and others might be to introduce you to other bloggers that are doing good work. Internet, meet kungfucolin. Kungfucolin, meet Internet. Cloak and redirect in its finest form.

The Ballad of Steven Seagal

Now Steven Seagal was a Hollywood man
He learned all that martial arts stuff in Japan
He married a sweet little Japanese girl,
And promised her father he'd show her the world

A chunky white man is all it would take
He'd just stomp his feet and the dojo would shake
The brave little Japanese Aikido men
Gave him a belt, and said: "Farewell, our friend."

So back to America Seagal did swim
The Pacific ocean posed no challenge for him
And thus did he convince the Hollywood suits;
To cast him in lead was a worthy pursuit.

But on the movie set, on that one fated day,
Into the wrong fight he needlessly strayed
Made some bold claims to Judo Gene Lebell,
A fearsome old wrestler, he'd give Steven Hell.

"You'll never choke me!" The bold Steven cried.
"We'll see about that one." The old man replied
And ne'er did he flinch, the old Judo Gene
He just grabbed Steve in headlock, locked it in tight and clean.

Steve clenched up his fist, and aimed straight for the balls,
Though he might as well have just bashed his head on the walls.
Lebell is cast iron, from head down to toe
..And Steven's weak knees were beginning to go.

Ahhgsghghwei! agghhwaghwgahh! was the sound?
As Steven turned red, and collapsed to the ground.
Then an ungodly stench, as he let his bowels go;
A brown stain in his pants was beginning to show.

They carried him away, to best hide his shame,
He could never show his face to Judo Gene again,
So he packed up his bags, and he jumped on a plane
And spent the flight planning his next claim to fame.

Despite not knowing shite about how to compete,
He gets a phone call from the martial elite.
Anderson Silva asked him to come down
To the land of Brazil in his quaint little town

Anderson then asks him: "What can you teach?"
"You were a badass in that film Under Siege!"
Steven then shows him the way of the bluff
Anderson thinks that it might be enough.

So first round with Vitor, and a boot to the chin
Was plenty enough to do in for him,
Seagal saw his chance, pulled a trick from his hat
And says of the kick, "Hey, I taught him that!"

It gets worse my friends, it gets worse by far.
He thought he would try his hand at Guitar.
Steve wanted to sing, and he did, all the same
Unfortunately his music is completely lame.

So back to the bluffing, and back to the lies
His mountain of bollocks piles up to the skies
You can't argue with him, he'll just create a strawman.
Some fool gave him a badge, and a gun. Made him: "Lawman".

Today's guest blog is brought to you by kungfucolin 


  1. The lawman made me laugh. I wonder what this would sound like to music?

    1. haha, maybe one day I'll write the music.

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  2. This is a big fat bucket of win.

    1. I think it goes well with the tune "The Ballad of Hollywood Jack and the Rage Kage"