Friday, 18 May 2012

A job application that I'd like to see



Cloaker Josh
123 Totallyfake Lane
Sydney NSW 2000
M: 0414 123 456      
E: josh@cloakerjosh.com


18 May 2012

Dick Butt
HR Director
Awesome Company
1 Corporate Drive
Sydney NSW 2000


Dear Mr Butt

Re: IT Systems Supervisor REF: 1337GT

Stop! Stop right there, damn you. Drop everything else and focus on this letter. I'm the guy you're after. Just so we're on the right page, it's probably worth pointing out that once you offer me the position, I'm going to ask for a modest increase to the starting salary you're asking for. That said, I'm totally worth it.

On paper, I'm an uneducated oaf that dropped out of school in Year 11, and have no English and Math skills. I didn't participate in sport, and was generally accepted as anti-social. I called myself "alternative", but they called me a "goth wanker". I am also an individual who has only worked for one company his entire adult life.

Since leaving school however, I taught myself how to code for the web and how to use Photoshop at an expert level. Not convinced? Check out my mad skillz:

This is something I made when Bush was still President, obviously.
Imagine how good I must be now.
See that reflection of Wormtongue's hand on the table? Yeah I did. See the photo frame in the background, over there? It's a picture of Ajax from The Warriors, and it wasn't there before. I put it there for fun. You know what this also proves? Dedication, and high attention to detail. The latter a skill that many boast, however rarely possess.

Over time, I have accumulated a vast knowledge of most computer systems, because I have used them everyday since I was 7. It's not just the specialised stuff though; My pragmatic approach to IT has imbued me with a natural "knack" of picking up things quickly. I question everything, and take nothing for granted.

My People Management skills? A great deal of people underestimate how complex and involved online gaming can be. I have had a lot of experience with organising attacks on enemy positions requiring strategy, teamwork and coordination. Sure, they were all in a virtual world however all of the participants were real people with strong opinions. Dealing with them included, but was not limited to, liaising with very geeky individuals, setting and meeting targets, player mediation and having difficult conversations.

E.g. "Sorry NaziSlayer1337, we're going to have to let you go and recruit a player that doesn't kill their team mates. We will, however, keep your GamerTag on file and if a position in our clan opens up, we'll let you know."

Conflict resolution? Sure, I've been in a few fights. I got the violence out of my system in brash younger years, and I believe one of the last punches I threw was the one that resulted in shattering my knuckle. Learning from my mistake that violence doesn't solve everything (definitely some things, but not everything), I'm now a well-adjusted individual who has decided to take the high road and can now talk my way out of most situations.

Your company requires somebody with working knowledge of IT, high attention to detail and the ability to manage a team of IT Professionals. I read between the lines, I know what you're going for. You need somebody that can deal with nerds. I speak fluent nerd as it happens, and can translate into Management speak on the fly.

In addition to all of this, it's important to tell you that I will sometimes question your decisions. It will only be because I don't understand the motives behind them, and not because I'm calling you into question. I have a lot to learn, and by learning the reason behind your decisions I will further enhance my own experience in business management. I can sometimes be a bit of an idealist, and I am a "big vision" kind of guy. I have these lofty ideas about massive restructures and business process improvements, and I'll tell you all about them. If you decide to act on it, awesome, but it's "take or leave" stuff. I won't be jilted if you decide not to go down "that road".

Call me, and let's discuss this. I'm serious, do it now. My mobile is on the top of the page, and it's on.

Kind regards

Cloaker Josh

6 comments:

  1. I gotta say you're ahead of your time here buster.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Consider yourself hired hired!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When do I start? More importantly, what am I doing and how much MONEY?!

      Delete