Monday 30 April 2012

Level up: Age and Wisdom

This woman must be super powerful.
My brother, kungfucolin, left a message on my Facebook wall that would eventually spurn me to write up this piece. As today is my birthday, he passed on a birthday greeting as is the standard convention. Not satisfied with the generic platitudes, he left the message "LEVEL UP".

Sunday 29 April 2012

My run in with a high-velocity pigmentation delivery system

My heart is racing and I feel sweat begin to form on my forehead. I grip my weapon with white knuckles and prepare for the onslaught. Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom. I feel my heart beat in my eyeballs and tentatively stalk forward, catching a movement in the left of my vision. I swing around and unleash fury with a war-cry, before experiencing blistering pain. Where was it coming from? The pain localises to my hand as I watch it change from yellow to orange.
"MEDIC!" I scream, clutching my bleeding hand and fall to the ground... wetting myself. Is this how I go? Is this how the story of Cloaker Josh ends? My cries go unanswered as the battle rages on around me. I catch another in the ribs, winding me. I turn and stagger to the safe zone and prepare for the darkness.

"GAME!" The umpire yells and it's over.

Indoor Paintball is brutal.

Nobody is safe from the paintball, not even Willem Dafoe.

Saturday 28 April 2012

Henry Rollins is one of my heroes

Apologies, only a quick update today; I've got a weekend of Birthday festivities to look forward to, and don't have much time. Including, but not limited to: Suiting up, catching a bus, riding a train, getting shot with a high-powered paintball delivery system, catching another train, getting my food on, getting my drink on, catching cab, sleeping... and whatever happens in between. Hungover update tomorrow.

I was privileged enough to be taken to see one of Henry Rollins' Spoken Word Tours last night by my awesome girlfriend.

The man is a visionary.

Henry Rollins: Musician, speaker, arse kicker.

Thursday 26 April 2012

My recent experience with Optus

Many of you may have read my piece about dealing with Telstra, and how it almost caused me to experience a brain aneurysm. I dealt with Optus today about my phone bill, which funnily enough the exact same situation that I had with Telstra. I'm going to do a comparison piece for you, in case you are in the market of choosing a telco for your mobile plan.

Actually just before I begin, I really want to point out my distaste for 24 month contracts. Who came up with this construct?! I don't know what I'm having for dinner tonight, let alone where I'll be in my life in two years?!

Seriously, ever notice how:

  1. Your phone contract is 24 months, 
  2. Your phone warranty is 12 months
  3. The microphone and/or speaker in your $1,000 smartphone inexplicably dies on you 13 months in.

It's like clockwork. I always get caught out with this, having to buy a dodgy stop-gap phone or instead opt to pay out my existing contract in favour of getting the newest shiny gadget. Two years is just too damn long, and I implore the ACCC to set some legal standards to circumvent this type of profiteering conduct.

Anyway, I digress. Let me tell you how I had to deal with Optus today.

Wednesday 25 April 2012

The Cloak Room Archives: Volume II

So, I'm struggling to come up with any new content tonight. Bloggin' ain't easy. To come up with regular original content can be demanding, and I'm too tired to think very hard at the moment.

Which is why, friends, I am delivering, straight from my hard-drive to your face, another Cloak Room Archives instalment. At least this post won't take you an hour to read, unlike some of my other posts.

Tuesday 24 April 2012

A layman's guide to Internet Privacy

Okay, so as part of my crusade to expose internet frauds, I wrote an article about a spellcaster I found online. As part of my research on the subject, I utilised Google as my main source of information (obviously, who doesn't?)

As part of it, I'm entering terms into Google like "spells" and "spell casting". For those of you who are not familiar with how Google plugs into and utilises payload data, I'm about to give you an important demonstration. A lot of people consider these tactics insidious in some way, however I personally disagree; It's the age we live in. In any case, form your own opinion about what I'm about to show you.

Monday 23 April 2012

Being Dexter Morgan

I feel like Dexter Morgan.

Are you familiar with "Dexter Morgan"? He's the main character in Jeff Lindsay's series of novels, and most notably now the famous main character in the Showtime runaway hit, Dexter

For the uninitiated, Dexter was scarred so deeply by the childhood event of witnessing his own mother's gruesome murder that is caused him to forever have this insatiable blood lust; He must strategically murder people (whom he deems to deserve it) at frequent intervals to stave off the increasing risk that he'll lose his sanity and go on a killing rampage.

Let me just step back and clarify my first statement. I want to point out that it's not his deadly nocturnal expeditions that I relate to in any way shape or form. Although, if I was ever close it'd be when dealing with Customer Service

Again, let me reiterate; I do not have homicidal tenancies.

Sunday 22 April 2012

Internet Charlatans Volume I: The Spellcaster

Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi Internet!

As a blogger, it is my duty to impart to you, my adoring public, some of the knowledge I obtain whilst skirting the web for interesting facts. Today is no exception, people! I have a big one to share with you today, oh yes. Let us begin.

So here I am, minding my own business and gettin' my surf on, when I come across this incredible website. It's titled "Cast Free Love, Magic, Money & Job Spells, Super Spell Caster."

Saturday 21 April 2012

F7U12: Sometimes I really hate the internet

Okay, so I have a question for you, internet:

Since when was it okay to start streaming video and audio at me without my consent?! Who started this trend?

To provide you with a little bit of background, my internet connection is currently shaped. For those of you are not familiar with the term "shaped", let me paint you a picture. Imagine you are tasked with transporting a bowling ball through a hosepipe using only the suction power of your lungs. That's what browsing on shaped internet is like. Remember how fast 56k modems were? It's actually slower than that, and I'm willing to bet money, precious money that most of you only think you remember how slow it was... but it is, in fact, slower than that.

Friday 20 April 2012

The absence of happiness in Coca-Cola

u mad, Coke?

On the theme of digging up old complaint letters, I have a shorter one for you.

Here's a spoof letter I sent to Coca-Cola Amatil, and with similar results to the previous post I had no response.

What is it about my letters that cause the companies in question to never respond to me? Suggest it's because they're "too damn long" and I'll strike you in the throat.

This one is a lot more lighter-hearted than the Telstra letter. Even so, I hope you find it amusing.

Forever Unplugged

Please visit - This guy is an insanely talented dude, there's not much he can't do.

But mainly, do it because he is...

Not that he needs help, his views are doin' fine without my help ;)

Thursday 19 April 2012

The longest and funniest Telstra complaint letter you'll ever read

Okay, now when I say this is a long letter, I truly mean it's a long letter. I mean, like, really long. Seriously, don't even bother starting to read it if you haven't got a spare 30 minutes.

However, if you do have a spare 30 minutes, I encourage you to plough on; It's worth it. I promise, it is.

I have changed my name, phone number, address and email to protect the innocent (being me). I have also removed references to Telstra staff numbers and fault/complaint references 'cause that's just the kind of guy I am.

Sit back, relax with a tasty beverage and hear my saga.

P.s. If you don't have time to read it, scroll to the bottom for a summary in the form of an infographic.

Wednesday 18 April 2012

CloakerJosh dot com: The domain name I didn't realise I wanted until I bought it.

So, I just bought the domain name I wasn't even in the market for a domain name, honestly, it just happened. Google makes things too damn easy, the bastards!

I was fiddling around with some settings in my Blogger account, when I noticed that they ask for a Domain Name URL in one of their input fields... I looked at it and saw language to the effect of (I can't remember verbatim, despite being only 20 minutes ago) "Don't have a domain name? Click here to buy one for USD10."

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Bacon Adventure: Too much bacon

I can here your cries of protest through the intertubes, "There's no such thing as too much bacon!!". Well, fictional person making this statement, maybe not for you... but I found my limit.

A couple Saturdays back, I strolled on down to the supermarket to grab some supplies for the pending Easter Sunday. My girlfriend was staying over, and assuming that our favourite cafe would be closed for breakfast (as the usual leisurely time of 1:00PM in the afternoon, normally), I wanted to get breakfasty ingredients to cook for the 'morrow.

Monday 16 April 2012

Remakes of movies that shouldn't be remade

Okay, so I get put on to this page via a friend on Facebook today; Upcoming Movie Remakes.

You've gotta check out this list, it's extraordinary. It's okay, I'll wait. You've looked at it? Good.

Does Hollywood really have to go and molest my childhood! You'd think they'd learned their lesson with the Indiana Jones IV abortion, but apparently not.

Sunday 15 April 2012

The Cloak Room Archives: Volume I

Okay, so... I couldn't think of anything new to 'shop today... so, I bring you a new feature:

The Cloak Room Archives: Volume I

It's genius! I simply drap out an old piece I made back in the day, and repost it as new content! Hahahaha! ...In all fairness though, it's new to you, 'cause you haven't seen it, innit?

Here you go, a movie that I would love to see.

Who doesn't want to see this misunderstood gentleman square off with
pure evil dude who seems to hate naked teenagers?

Saturday 14 April 2012

I love trolling

I've long had a love affair with trolling, in fact it wasn't called trolling when I began.. I was simply being a "smart-arse". But, how I define what I do is what I refer to as "White Hat Trolling". For those of you who aren't familiar with the term "White Hat", is essentially refers to something that is within the bounds of both ethical and constitutional law. I only ever do it for a bit of fun, and never with malice.

There's a nasty, darker version of trolling out there. Let's call it "Black Hat Trolling". These are the horror stories you read about people posting indecent pictures of kids on missing children's Facebook pages. These are the people that cyber-bully others and convince them to self-harm... sometimes with lethal effect. I completely denounce this form of trolling, and it sickens me to think that there's so many out there that associate with it.

At any rate, my girlfriend constantly refers to me as a troll, and after seeing my 'shop of the Mass Effect cover asked if I could make a Trollface out of my own face for her amusement. As I am not one to waste anything, I figured I might as well post it here.

u mad, bro?

Friday 13 April 2012

Instagram bought by Facebook: Hipsters get emo, start cutting themselves

I used Instagram before it was mainstream, bro.

Facebook announced that it was acquiring the company Instagram for a cool $1bn, and immediately a public backlash begins. See, apparently Instagram is all alternative and cool and Facebook is all like, evil and popular and stuff.

Seriously, people are going mental over this acquisition. One chick even started up a Twitter hashtag protest (I think hipsters are still cool with Twitter, although I thought the platforms popularity would have had it fall out of favour with them a long time ago) by posting a black screen.

Is this really such a big deal? The hipsters can argue about corporate greed and privacy concerns to their hearts content, but I know the real reason they're abandoning the service in droves.

It's mainstream now.

Generation Y is a pretentious bunch, and I hate the fact that I'm in with them.

Thursday 12 April 2012

Way of the n00b: The decline of video game difficulty

Video games are now mainstream.

Even your mum knows this; A multi-billion dollar industry that deals in revenue that rivals Hollywood. 

Think the biggest release ever was James Cameron's Avatar? It took in $1bn in its first 19 days. This number is ridiculous, you realise. A billion. 1,000,000,000 dollars. You could be forgiven for assuming that, but guess again: Modern Warfare 3 took in $1bn in 16 days.

How has this happened? Is it the incredible advances in graphical computing power, delivering realism like never before? It is the expansion of video game marketing? Is it because they now hire A-list actors and Hollywood producers to create games with a cinematic quality? 

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Mass Effect 3 Ending was crap... apparently.

So, everyone's been getting all upset about the ending to Mass Effect 3. I obviously jumped on the bandwagon and created the graphic below, but is it really that bad?

U mad at the ending, bro?

I have a confession: I haven't actually played the game. "But, Cloaker Josh... how can you make fun of a game you haven't even played?! That's not only unfair, but completely unjust!" I hear you scream at this revelation... and I guess I don't really have an answer for that. I'm a bit of a dick sometimes.

Honestly though, I think this raises a question: What right to people have to take to the streets and break windows of small businesses just because they didn't like the way a story ended? I hear that Bioware have actually caved to fan pressure and will be releasing an expanded version of the ending.... what the hell? Do you always get your way, children?

Who thought 'core gamers were so fraking emo?