Wednesday 20 June 2012

Lazy is as lazy does

People often accuse me of being lazy, however I have an alternative theory; I'm simply economical with movement.

I'm pretty comfy right here, actually.
Another way to look at it is that I may be physically lazy, however I'm no slouch on the mental side of things. I will actively think about things that will may my day-to-day easier, both inside of work and out. "Driving efficiencies" is what they call it; "Not wasting time" is what I call it.

I am constantly on the automation offensive, asking myself every single day: "Is there a quicker way to do this exact task? Can I cut down any of this manual work?"

Much of the time, the answer is no... However, occasionally, the answer is a resounding "yes", in which case I will lose focus on whatever I'm supposed to be doing and immediately begin to de-construct the workflow for improvement.

This can sometimes be a pain, because my time management needs work already as it is without adding to my work load. On the other hand; If I'm successful on one of my random tangents (which I am a large percentage of the time), I can cut down the manual work of one of my tasks by a significant amount of time. This ultimately frees me up for other tasks in the future.

As I mentioned earlier, this is not bound by my 9 to 5 profession. I am constantly dreaming up new ways of being more efficient in pretty much everything; Cooking food, ironing, cleaning... whatever. The last one is pretty much a doozy as I simply neglect to do it for the most part in favour of spending that time doing something more enjoyable. Like, I don't know, sleeping probably. I haven't gotten to MacDonalds in time for their breakfast menu for 10 years.

One of my key focus areas is most definitely food; It's very labour intensive. There are 5 key areas of this process:
  1. Buying food
  2. Preparing food
  3. Cooking food
  4. Eating food
  5. Cleaning up after food
I will breakdown how I have streamlined my process:

Buying food

Buying food can be a real chore. One of the most important things to do when choosing a place to live (that's right, people - preparation starts on this early and it's most likely connected to everything) is its proximity to a major supermarket. Take note of this number in kilometres, and divide it by 1000 to work out how many metres that is. This is important for two reasons: 
  • You need to not pay extortionate prices for your food, and;
  • You need it to be damn quick and easy to get to and from there.

Once I have identified a domicile within an acceptable range of a Woolies, the next step is to investigate the store layout.
"What the hell has that got to do with anything?" You may be thinking. Well, if you know anything about me, you'll know by now that interrupting me while I'm writing will simply delay the answer.. so, shhhhh.

What I'm actually looking for here is the Frozen Food aisle, and I need to answer three questions: 
  • How far from the Front Door to the Frozen Foods in metres?
  • How far from the Frozen Foods aisle to a Cash Register in metres? 
  • How far from the Cash Register to the Front Door in metres?
Once I have collected my information, I perform the following sum: 
( [ Metres between Home and Supermarket ] x 2 ) + ( [ Front Door to Frozen Foods ] + [ Frozen Foods to Cash Register ] + [ Cash Register to Door ] )
This will give me the amount of steps required for completion of this task, based on the average span of a male stride.  

I will complete this task for all prospective rental properties, and choose the one with the lowest number to live in. Now, for the purchase of food itself, this becomes the easy part. I simply walk to the store, load up on various assortments of frozen deliciousness and exit the store via the cash register. I briefly considered cutting out the cash register step, before realising that upon the security guards being informed of my theft, I would need to break into a sprint and therefore expel more energy.. so I left it.

Preparing Food

Preparing food has always been a pain the arse for me, I'm not really a fan. This is why I purchased all that delectable frozen tempura medallions and chicken nuggets, you see? Preparation couldn't be easier: Baking paper, crumbed goodness, oven tray. Spin the knob and walk away... great success. I'll whip out the ol' iPhone and set myself a 15 minute timer; Enough time for any self-respecting nugget. I don't even bother flipping the damn things, it sorts itself out to an agreeable crunchiness for some reason.

Cooking Food

You see, internet? You see? I pretty much merged this step with Preparing Food! WinRAR.

Eating Food

Now, these nuggets are pretty damn hot. I chuck 'em on a plate, add some sauce, and take them to my room. Now, am I going to bite these gingerly as try to juggle the mouthful on my tongue to minimise blistering? Hell no. I let them suckers cool off for 5 minutes. Not wanting any downtime, I take this opportunity to have a quick cigarette before returning for my bounty. 

Cleaning Up After Eating Food

Cleaning. I really don't enjoy it as a past time. The bane of my existence; Or... is it? You know that Baking paper I laid down earlier? BAM! Straight in the can, no mess. Oven's clean, and ready for another ride.

Oh, what about the knife and fork? Didn't use them, obviously, because I have hands, you see. Finger food, for the win. That just leaves the plate... but there's a twist in this story, internet!

Yeah.... yeah 
That's right, that's how I roll. When my flatmates wonder why the kitchen is such a pig sty, I just sit back and cackle like a Bond villain 'cause I know I didn't contribute to the mess and sure as hell won't be cleaning it up.

"Don't you like to drink anything with your dinner, Cloaker Josh?" Well, yes, I do. Which is why I own a drink bottle. Reusable, and if you use it often enough you barely even have to rinse it out. Case closed.


  1. One day a good woman will take you in hand and sort out your bachelor existence in the not too distant future. Not a moment too soon either, have you not seen Jamie Oliver's exposé on chicken nuggets?

    1. Hell no I haven't, and don't intend to. Please allow them to remain delicious to me until I am in a position to not have to buy them anymore :)

    2. Ok, I do somewhat subscribe to the "stick your fingers in your ears and lalalalalalalal " to prevent enlightenment about which you wish to know not.

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  2. Due to my current locale being something in the vicinity of an 8000 on the step scale to reach a Coles or Woolworths and although I have an IGA that scores about 1400, it is an expensive alternative.

    Online shopping for the win. Sit at internet (hell, I know you're already there), browse aisles, receive goods that afternoon or the next day.

    1. Fantastic! This option escaped me, I love it :)